Bidding Farewell and Greeting

Waving a hand as I bid farewell. A sort of smearing, blurring, or holding on to one last glimmer of the present, a grasping but farewell nonetheless. This is how I leave this year and enter into the next.

There are always lessons to learn and often regrets to go along with them. Just as a barge moves slowly up the Willamette River, I have made my way against currents, and weathered well (in my assessment). I wept for the brokenness within and around me. I laughed full belly at the sweet pleasure of my quirks and the lack of my gingerly care. The lonely birds lasted only for the chill and have already left for higher branches (for this I am quite thankful).

Old characters that matter to my story remain and new ones have found a welcomed place within many different spaces and events. Spring, Summer, and Autumn fit their seasonal roles to a tee. Winter of the present year I bid farewell with an open waving-hand, and I welcome the New Year Winter with both arms wide for a full embrace. I have a lot to still process and awaken when hibernation has passed.

I am saying good-bye to this year with anticipation of a bountiful hello from the next. Time will tell, as it always does. There are characters (new and old) that have impacted me greatly this past year. Adam Sjoberg, Andrew Bradford, Austin Park, Austyn Lewis, Bryn Hobson, Cody Ramaekers, Jared Fujishin, Jedidiah Jenkins, Jeff Neckers, Joe Swanson, Josh Chartier, Kevin Carolan, Marc Dexel, Mike Fitzgerald, Nathaniel Colbert, Omar Spence, Orion Pahl, Scott Weir, Shawn Pedro Diez, Tom Dexel, William Cook, and Will Witt you are some of the people who have made a difference in my life this year. I will take the lessons I have learned and strive to be whom God intends me to be.

Farewell to yesterday and greeting tomorrow. May I know myself better and live my life more sacrificial in the year to come.

Nature Reveals The Heart

Watching drops suspended from branches reminded me of a poem my wife wrote about back in college. It comes to mind whenever I strive to shoo away the lonely birds that perch upon my shoulders in seasons like this. I find myself thirsty, longing to be quenched, wondering, waiting, and praying.

"Water water everywhere, 

not a drop to drink."

Solstice to Solstice (1.13) :: DARK

The light is so much more inviting when it is dark outside.

1980 :: A Christmas Story

I was seven years old when I made this ornament for my mother. I remember being so excited to wear the hawaiian shirt for my school picture because my parents had surprised my two brothers, sister, and I with a trip to Hawaii that previous summer. It was an amazing vacation. I remember a three legged frog by the hotel pool, and steering the golf cart while my dad played golf. life was sweet. Weeks before we went to Hawaii my Grandma Stowell had a heart attack and died at sixty-five. I remember thinking I would make sure to give all the girls in my class the same amount of heart candies next Valentine's Day, so that none of them would have a heart attack from too much heart. I really loved my Grandma Stowell. Missing her made our time in Hawaii seem magical and really special. I think we all understood there was an unspoken rule to get along, because my mom really needed a vacation.
Christmas of 1980 is one of the fondest memories I have of childhood. Every Christmas Eve my family would get all dressed up and go to this fancy restaurant in the gated neighborhood where I grew up and eat a five star, gourmet meal. I always got the filet mignon, garlic/horseradish string beans, and mashed potatoes, with a wild mushroom gravy. It will always be my favorite (even though I cannot remember the last time I have had it). After dinner we would return home and open our Christmas Eve gift (which was always new pajamas), and then it was off to bed for all of the children. My brothers and I shared a bedroom growing up. In 1980 my brother Scott was twelve, Marc was nine, and I was seven. My brothers had come up with a grand scheme to find out what we got for Christmas before we opened our gifts on Christmas morning. They had planned to execute the plan without me but realized they had to bring me into it because we shared a room and they knew I would have squealed had they not included me. I am the youngest and I used what I had to keep in the loop and to be included. So, we waited until well past midnight (I was barely awake), army crawled to the Christmas tree, and carefully made multiple trips back and forth from the tree to our bedroom with all the gifts. We proceeded to unwrap all of the gifts carefully, and look inside. After viewing the gifts with great joy, we rewrapped them and placed the tags back on the correct gifts (to the best of our memory). Our plan went off without a hitch. It was amazing. I swear to this day I only laughed in my hands once, and It was Marc's fault for passing gas loud. The next morning we gathered around  and began opening our gifts. All was going well and we acted quite surprised and approving of each gift. We thought we were in the clear until my dad opened a very interesting gift. The tag said, "to: Tom, from: Santa," but the contents were clearly for a ten year old girl to wear. It only got worse from there. My brothers and I thought it was so funny. My parents tried to be upset, but they had trouble holding back their chuckles while trying to sound disappointed. My sister was confused most of the morning, because she wondered how it all got so messed up. My brother Marc always told the story much bigger and better than I remember but it is still one of my fondest childhood memories, and a Christmas story to share. Merry Christmas!

Winter Solstice Observed :: In Walked Winter

In walked winter

shimmering stones 

woven within lace

dazzling lights dance

against shivering grey

In walked winter

invited by Autumn

 tree branches blush

leaves tumble aloft

naked bark stands bare

In walked winter

day light lingers

sand and sea kiss

no one interrupts

intimate being alone

In walked winter

one word warms

hand extended out

invitation to embrace

Spring will wait

Today winter begins and the light of day last a little longer. Winter is a season of letting old lie and waiting for new to come. It is not always easy to wait for the days to warm and the night chill to subside, but Spring will arrive in it's due time. Today it is winter and we are in this season for a reason, so let us live fully in this day. I like to think of winter as a season where all things lay bare. It is not easy to be vulnerable and completely authentic, but it is good to find the trusted hands extended and accept the invitation to embrace. In peace or adversity I welcome you.

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." -Anne Bradstreet

REMIX: linger in whispers and lullabies

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2009

"linger in whispers and lullabies...

sometimes i think back to where i have been, the people i have met, the events that have shaped me. it is strange how tragedy can shout so loud, yet the sweetest, most lasting events linger in whispers and lullabies. in a world that screams hurt, hate, and hopelessness, i have found comfort, compassion, and comrades. this week has been mixed with memories of pain but in the mix there have been these nectar-kisses from life. i laughed after crying from the reality of my friends terminal illness drawing his life to a close because my youngest described the color of her strawberry and lettuce barf while driving home from ballet class. "pink, but with lettuce. are you okay with me talking about it, dad?" i laughed. i am learning so much about the frail beauty of each moment and the temporal sting of death. my friend is hopeful for heaven. he is excited to get there, but more excited for the day when his wife, daughter, and all his friends will join him. i am learning about pain. it is really good to feel. i often feel like my senses are on overload as i take in life with every new experience. i really love talking with my friend about hope. he speaks with his eyes. his glasses connect to a laser that tells a screen what he is saying and then it speaks to me. some would be frustrated by the lulls in communication or the limitation, but he is thankful to be able to still communicate. i am just blessed to sit for a spell and enjoy the warm autumn sun with a friend. we actually laugh a lot together. he told me he envied me. i am still processing that, but one thing that has been happening as a result of my time with him on tuesdays is that i am smiling more. i cry in the shower almost everyday. i cannot tell if it is the sensation of water pouring over me or the safety of curtain drawn. no matter, i am feeling fully. my friend can sip water with help of another. i asked if it hurts. he told me it is more refreshing now than it ever was before. i took a sip of water and as i swallowed i felt it flow down and quench my body. my soul is being quenched in each moment. alive i am thirsty. i drink up humanity. feeble, frail, strong, and sturdy. refreshed by lingering whispers and lullabies. creating new ones."

I wrote the above entry over 2 years ago and my dear friend continue to battle ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis "Lou Gehrig's disease"). We have become even closer as the years go by. His daughter just turned eighteen and is graduating form high school in June. Big events lie ahead, but there will always be big events ahead. Today was a "big event" for Mike and I. Simply time together is a big event. He is less able to use his eyes to speak, but we manage to sit together and still laugh, cry, talk of time passing, and the important things in life. He has asked me to officiate his memorial service. I am honored and feel overwhelmed with the thought. We really do not know how long we have to live. He thought he would have gone home by now, but he remains. We sat laughing about mixed up letters and what some of his words might translate to in other languages. He has a brilliant smile and a lot of spark in his eyes. We always end our conversations talking about family. It is so important to him. I do not fully know how to experience life with my extended family at this point. How do you say, "I love you the same way I did when I use to cry for us to get along, but I want to be loved back, because I need to know I am wanted" without letting my whole heart be revealed and tenderized by the reality mallet that has so often harmed me?" Mike didn't have a clear answer, he just smiled and invited my whole family over for a visit. I am really going to miss him when he is gone. I smile less these days, but I still cry in the shower everyday. It is not that life has become more tragic, but rather I am saddened by what it has become in regards to family. Mike reminds me of how precious life is and how valuable each day is. I just wish there was a way for my family to see my heart without me losing my life. I lost my life once and it took a lot of healing to live again. Mike reminds me that the most lasting events linger in whispers and lullabies. I need to remember all that Mike reminds me of in all that life offers. A lot of people are surprised when they hear that I am still spending time with Mike. He is still alive and I am grateful for one more visit.

a picture says a million words...

she has always had the best faces. when she made this one and i realized i had caught it with my camera, i had to simply share it. there is plenty to be said, but i want to let you make up the story and decide what you think motivated such an expression.

oh, my sweet youngest daughter, how she holds me dear.

"the peace of wild things..." -Wendell Berry

“When despair for the world grows in me and I wake in the night at the least sound in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be, I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds. I come into the peace of wild things who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief. I come into the presence of still water. And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light. For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.” 

― Wendell Berry, Sex, Economy, Freedom & Community: Eight Essays


i look for rest from the despair of this world 
but my dreams turn to night terrors. 


i restlessly battle through my slumber 
to find i have not slept a wink. 


slipping away to knobby revealed roots 
of rugged red furry trunks, 
i lay arm spread across and gaze up. 


i pray to blink longer and remember 
a place i have yet to live. 


a place of peace without pain, 
where children are always safe. 


i drift away for a minute or two.
a hand of grace blankets me,
and i sigh relief.

Reading The Bible In Church

I asked the congregation to open up their bibles, or bible app on their phone while I read some scripture out loud. It was something new. It was out of my comfort in regards to reading in front of others, but it was rich. A friend of mine who communes at the same church gathering mentioned recently that he wished we would be asked to open our bibles more so that when we need the verse that was taught, or simply wanted to read it ourselves we would know how to find it. I thought it was such a good idea and that it would be great if someone would have us do that, and then I realized, I am that someone. Being a host pastor of a video service was definitely not in my plan. I still sometimes wonder what I am doing there, but it gives me opportunity to share my heart and love for Jesus. Today was one of those days when I was able to use my position to bring about a little change. Every Christmas since I was a child I would remind my family that we needed to read the "Story of Jesus" together. Even now I am the one who gathers our family together and reads the story out loud. I love the Bible. I studied it intensely right out of secondary school, and I read it passionately. I still am blown away by the story of Joseph the "Dad" of Jesus. What God has at work in our lives does not always make sense when we logically look at it, but when we trust and look with eyes given to us through the Holy Spirit it may not make sense but it is much clearer. I hope you enjoy reading the scripture I read in church today. It was a good day. 

The Birth of Jesus Christ

18 Now the birth of uJesus Christ1 took place in this way. vWhen his mother Mary had been betrothed2 to Joseph, before they came together she was found to be with child wfrom the Holy Spirit. 19 And her husband Joseph, being a just man and unwilling xto put her to shame, resolved to divorce her quietly. 20 But as he considered these things, behold, yan angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not fear to take Mary as your wife, for that which is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. 21 She will bear a son, and zyou shall call his name Jesus, afor he will save his people from their sins.” 22 bAll this took place cto fulfill what the Lord had spoken by the prophet:

23 d“Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son,

and they shall call his name eImmanuel”

(which means, God fwith us). 24 When Joseph woke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him: he took his wife, 25 but knew her not until she had given birth to a son. And ghe called his name Jesus.

Sisters: What's the difference?

"Sisters are different. They heard the sobbing in the darkness. They lived through all your triumphs, all your favorites, your love losses. They have no delusions. They lived with you too long.
And so when you achieve some victory, friends are delighted - but sisters hold your hands in silence and shine with happiness. For they know the cost."










As a father, I witness the beautiful relationship of my three daughters. They are more than sisters. They are best friends. They have a sister club where they have secret sister meetings. They invite my wife to attend since she didn't have sisters. They kind of invited me once, but I declined. They often walk down the street with their arms around each other. They really do like each other. They crack each other up with their jokes, burps, and farts. They laugh when they forget that their not suppose to say fart (the other "f" word at grandma nan's house). My youngest is usually the "oops, I didn't mean to say it," jokester. They get lost in each other's imaginations and comfort each other in their reality. They grow together. They help each other grow. They struggle together. They help each other when they fail. They lift each other up. I love the line, "sisters hold your hands in silence and shine with happiness." I know this is already what makes their relationship different. They are sisters. Their eyes see each other with their hearts in mind. They dream the biggest dreams for each other. They hope the most beautiful possibilities for each other. They love each other with a different kind of love, and I get to witness it as their dad.

"I have no idea where I am going." -Thomas Merton

I use to think it was strange that I did not know how to answer the questions that come up in life about what you want to do, or where you want to go. I don't think it is strange anymore. Everyday we are faced with new decisions and challenges. There have been seasons where I didn't know how I would wake up and even days I wasn't sure I wanted to. Fear of loss, sadness, tragedy, and the burden of being the bearer of bad news robbed me. I laid naked before the world. Seemingly stripped of all my worth I curled up into a fetal ball and waited for the dawn.

I rose one morning and ran for the hills and when my stride lessened and my side ached I stopped running. Along a road I had never traveled or could recall starting on, I found myself. Heart pounding cheeks salty from sweat and tears, I screamed. Pacing right and left, shaking hysterically, I suddenly collapsed. I strewn my limbs out across the road, cheek against the damp soil, I wept. I was lost. I had cried so much for those lives that were now gone and nothing I was doing or had done could have kept them here. It didn't matter. I didn't matter.

My heart steadied and my tears subsided. Gathering my arms up and pulling my legs together, I found myself bent over in a posture of some sort of bow. I will never forget the sighing, deep breath I took in that instance. It was life giving. Nothing that had happened, nothing that I had done, and nothing that I would do mattered. All I needed to know was that I was alive.

I walked the long eight miles back to my home. I swung in the hammock hanging in our front yard, and I slept. Hours later when I awoke, I knew something had changed. I died of a broken heart from the tragedy of death, but I chose to live again and remember my hearts desire. I do not know where I am going in this life, but I live for another.  I don't know what I will do forever, but I know that I want to please God. Somedays I don't even know what that means, but I know my desire to please him is what matters the most.


"MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know
nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my
perils alone."
-Thomas Merton

the limbs and autumn winds

i wonder when we will dance again

the limbs asked of the autumn winds

soon enough we will dance again

spin you round, dip and bend

responded the autumn winds

No One.

"No one is worthy of a good home here or in heaven that is not willing to be in peril for a good cause."

What is your cause?

Almost 17 years...

of dating!

we use to sit at a local coffee shop called Mr.Toots and just be together. even if we had a "real" date of dinner, movie, walk by the cliffs, and pause to kiss, we always found ourselves relaxing at some point just being at a coffee shop.

we have a date tonight. the electricity is still out at home. some camp friends are hanging out with our girls. we grabbed dinner, and now we are just being together at a local coffee shop. we are sitting next to each other. back then we sat across from one another. some things do change i guess. we are headed to party for a friend later, but we may only stay for a quick hello. we don't get out like this very often, but we are still naturally connected, and totally in love. we should probably pause to kiss on the way home. we are sitting next to each other.

48 hours without electricity and counting.

BRIGHT down jackets

the best way to stay warm is to spend time with people who fill you with warmth from the inside.

some mornings we get to just be together and the chill of the day never penetrates.

a down jacket of bright colors helps the outside element, but the simple touch and sweet smile of my best friend always takes the chill off.

we really do like each other. all our quirks end up making us a match. like Phoebe on Friends would say, "she's your lobster!" that she is. she is my perfect match.

Cliffs of Big Sur

i spend hours meditating by the ocean. i go away to the rugged cliffs of Big Sur. the waves thrash against the rocks with a seemingly angry slap.

in one instance there seems to be a fight between fluid and solid. i know this fight well. i am steady but currents run constant within me. my soul shouts at the waves to slap me into reality. the real me.

in another instance the water settles and lulls against the ragged shore. as if to pull a blanket up over the chilled, cold, weathered friend. i too know this blanket. i have experienced a lot in this life. some things within me show through in the weathered lines and callused sleepless stare.

i spend hours meditating by the ocean. i go away to the rugged cliffs of Big Sur. the water smothers the shivering stone with a seemingly effortless comfort.

there are places

i like to think that there are places that only my eyes have captured. places that are treasures in my chest. places that will keep my heart beating when i am weary and time becomes my enemy. i take people on walks through the redwoods when they come to visit me. i take them places i have been before. i keep new places for me to discover alone. they are treasures for me yet to find. i am not keeping them from others i am merely looking for them first. i cannot put into words how these places move me, but the beat of my heart changes when my eyes look upon them and i am changed. my bounty is increased and my heart responds to the gift of new sites. i like to think that there are places like this for everyone.

Unschooling: living, learning, loving it!

This is a re-blog from something I wrote on October 3, 2008 to help family and friends better understand our choice to unschool. Even though this was written over 3 years ago and our daughters are now 13, 11, and 7 the sentiments are the same and our children are thriving, thinking, teaching, trusting, discovering, unschooling humans. I hope you enjoy and learn a little more about the way we learn.


"how is it going with home schooling?" was asked by a woman to a group of moms that were standing around waiting. my wife was in the mix and as always listened, observed, and then once it seemed to be the right time, shared her thoughts. just to clarify for all who read this. we do not "home school" we practice "unschooling". the two are very different in philosophy and practice. under the umbrella of home schooling, the parent is the teacher. whereas, with unschooling life is the teacher and the parents are facilitating what life their children are exposed too and observe their discovery of self and learning. when my wife shared with me the social interaction with the other women, she encouraged me to blog my thought about our children's discovery of learning through life. 


if you have ever had the privilege of being around my daughters for a spell you know that each of them is extraordinary in their own beautiful way. my oldest daughter just turned 10. she is our morning girl. every morning she wakes up and finds whatever book she is reading and dives in to a world of new discoveries. some of you may be thinking this seems normal, but just a couple years ago her desire to read was squelched with frustration by the demands of a charter school instructor and the mark the state of california places as a standard where a child of 8 should be. because our daughter was forced to be like other children and fit a general standard, she found her love for books and discovery by this means drained and invested in physical learning through dance and gymnastics instead. it broke my heart to watch a child who has such a brilliance for imagining other worlds be stifled in her process of learning by a bogus standard that is racial, gender, and socio-economically bias to begin with. so when i see her cozy on our couch in the wee hours of morning, reading beneath the morning light of soft golden hues, i am amazed. she found her way. she learned how to read. not because she must, but because she wants to. i love learning. sometimes i wonder what i would have learned if people stopped telling me what to learn and just let the childlike instinct to discover lead me to find my way. do not get me wrong, my wife and i choose to be there and help with the process, but our girls absorb life richly and we do our best to let life be their teacher. amongst many christian home schooling circles unschooling is considered liberal, left field, and completely outside the realm of "christian" structured upbringing. i do not spin in those circles. i am too busy living in god's incredible creation, and yes it is liberal by definition. i think it would be wise for those who have strong views on unschooling to stop and watch and see what they might discovery from life. who knows, they just might learn a little and be liberated. anyone can think what they want about the educational route we have decided to take for our children, as long as they are thinking and not conforming. all i know is that  my 1st daughter is a discovering watercolors, ballet, and reading about Nellie Bly in the morning. our 2nd daughter is playing the drums, discovering her body motion through tumbling, and exploring the use of pastels as a medium. the 3rd daughter is on the verge of 4 and loves verbal conversations, dialogues about the happenings of her day, loves taking care of her "meow" cat, and is exceptional at drawing people. they are extraordinary. truly they are. i am biased and i should be. i am learning a lot from them. i am learning a lot from life. i guess you could say, i am unschooling.

The Bare Necessities

Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
Old Mother Nature's recipes
That brings the bare necessities of life

Wherever I wander, wherever I roam
I couldn't be fonder of my big home
The bees are buzzin' in the tree
To make some honey just for me
When you look under the rocks and plants
And take a glance at the fancy ants
Then maybe try a few

The bare necessities of life will come to you
They'll come to you!

Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities 
That's why a bear can rest at ease
With just the bare necessities of life

Now when you pick a pawpaw
Or a prickly pear
And you prick a raw paw
Next time beware
Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw
When you pick a pear
Try to use the claw
But you don't need to use the claw
When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw
Have I given you a clue ?

The bare necessities of life will come to you
They'll come to you!

So just try and relax, yeah cool it
Fall apart in my backyard
'Cause let me tell you something little britches
If you act like that bee acts, uh uh
You're working too hard

And don't spend your time lookin' around
For something you want that can't be found
When you find out you can live without it
And go along not thinkin' about it
I'll tell you something true

The bare necessities of life will come to you.

I just finished watching the movie The Jungle Book with my family. This song has always made me smile. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of the little things that mean so much.

thinking about the next

"If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this." -CS Lewis

this quote challenges me every time i read it. i think about how i am living my life. where am i putting my energy? who am i investing in? how will i be remembered? i have called myself a Christian for a lot of years now and i know my flesh and consumption with this present world has caused me to be ineffective at times. i want this world to be different. i want it to know love because i live in it. when i think of the next world i think of a place where there is true love. i want people to wonder about the next world because there is something different about how i live in this world. today my mind has been filled with thinking about the next world and now i am wondering what i have done to change this one. i am still thinking about it, but hopeful for the outcome. there are too many inspirational lives that have gone to the next world before me. at this point i will never cease thinking about the next world.

I met a girl named Darleen

She is vibrantly alive.

She is courageous. 

She is curious.

She laughs with a wide mouth open.

She grins with teeth showing.

She has a spark in her eyes even when they are closed.

She thinks about today and lives in it.

She met me in the forest.

She embraced me by the ocean.

She danced around the firelight.

She ran along the stoney beach shore.

She walked barefoot through tall grass.

She caught me in her glance.

She invited me to play.

She spoke words into my heart.

She is always with me.

She is there when I look for constellations on starry nights.

She is a legend.

She is alive.

I met Orion.

really live

we have a choice how we live.
we can sit back and live a life that accommodates the majority.
we can apologize when we are not really sorry
to appease the passive aggressive blame.
we can choose to really live or live half dead.

that's the reality.
when we live for others and not by the conviction that we live for god,
we are not really alive.
we are not fully being the person we were intended to be.
we are allowing the perception of others and their opinions to shape our lives.
we are giving up our true self for a cheap plastic replication.

but it is a choice.
you can choose to be really alive.
you can choose to set aside the expectations others have for you and live you.
you can choose to peel off the layers of false perceptions and throw them away.
you can choose to be free.

how to really live?
it is simple.
it is hard.
it takes practice.
it is worth it.

i live a life that is fully real, fully alive, and fully me. i wish this for everyone. i dream of a place where everyone i know is really alive. when we do not choose to really live we effect the lives around us. i have vibrant life in front of me everyday. i want my children to embrace themselves without any pressure or expectation from me. why would i want them to have any less than a full life? i watch my wife choose to really live everyday. it does not mean her everyday is easy, it means she is fully herself. i lived half my life trying to accommodate expectations and i failed more often than succeeded. i was miserably half dead. as i  really live, i love the circle of people who celebrate really living with me. it is few but full. when i face the confusion of being misunderstood, i remember who i am by remembering those who fully see me really alive. i hope we all can really live, fully ourselves.

things left unsaid...

"Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid." -Fyodor Dostoevsky






this quote is so honest, raw, revealing, and true. it has my thoughts spinning. the words are coming. happiness will follow. what can i say?

it takes courage

"it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."-e.e. cummings

my wife just posted this quote to her blog today. it was just what i needed to read after a couple days of standing up and being me amongst those it is the hardest to be accepted and seen by. the family i grew up in is far from leave it to beaver or the waltons. we don't even come close to the brady bunch when it comes to really, truly working out our differences. i am thankful that my parent's marriage remains intact. that is a rare blessing, but the adult me is often misunderstood and left lonely. conflict is just a normal undertone deafened by the expectation of "just get along for a meal." i can't do it. i have never been the type of person to live a life less than my convictions. ironically it is how my parents raised me to be.

adultery, affair, separation, brokenness, divorce. i hate everything about these words. in theory, and reality they hurt others. i don't know what it looks like to "be like jesus" when family members choose selfishly to abandon their commitment to their family (spouse and children) and have sex with someone else. i know that there is a lot that leads up to the decision to cheat. i hear about that all the time when i pose any opposing view or that i am not ready to accept, or " be jesus" to family. i don't even know where to begin with how sad, and angry i am that people believe the brokenness of their spouse warrants their choice to break their marriage vows. it saddens me even more that family members let themselves reach some sort of acceptance by justifying the affair through a process of dissecting the abandoned spouse, and writing them off as in-law when papers are filed and all is finished.

i do not understand what kind of person lets themselves be "the other" and chooses to be in an affair with someone married and in addition a parent. how hurting and selfish does someone have to be to take on the role of "the other". it reminds me of a school musical audition. you run to the list posted on the hallway cork board to see if you got the leading role. in this case you are not even the understudy who ambushes the lead so that you get to take the stage. you did not even show up for auditions. you were not meant to be in the script. you are not even a character in the story. you just step on stage when one of the leads was in wardrobe, and there was no shepherd hook to pull you off stage. i wish i was the shepherd's hook and you never made it to scene two.

i have a lot of wishes. i have prayed a lot of prayers. i have cried a lot of tears. my heart is still tender. i don't know what it looks like to be like jesus in the mess of it all. i know god knows me and accept that i don't know what to do or how to move forward with family. i love my wife, my children, my parents, my siblings, and all my "in-loves." it is going to take time for me to know how to love those who just walked onto the stage. i can apologize  for not knowing how to behave but i will not apologize for "being who i really am."

my wife just posted this quote to her blog today, "it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." and that is what i am doing.

sounds are silence...

for me.

i sit in nature and hear the silence all around me. people come to visit where i live and mention how quiet it is in the forest. i hear the popping branches of widow makers releasing from their mother trunk, squirrels chatter while scurrying round and round, finch chirp in delight as they gather morning seeds from night time breeze, crunching leaves announce slipping hooves from new deer trails in the making. i hear how quiet it is where i live.

i am sitting in a local mountain coffee shop and i hear the silence all around me. people come in and out of the side screen door. slinging door slams, damp soles squeak across tiled floor, steam wand whistles while milk warms, business chatter continues through fifteen minute break, heavy wooden chair clunks against table as patron attempts to exit unnoticed, keys clang from pocket, humans scurry around cream and sugar counter, words which we call manners are tossed between, hand shuffling in purse for cash, pop-snap of espresso tap creates a subtle beat while the grinder hums a monotonous tone. sounds are silence for me when i sit alone.

Veteran Dad

Tommy Douglas Dexel

SEEING MICHAEL: looking for unseen

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

solitude in a crowded world.

"Solitude is not something you must hope for in the future. Rather it is a deepening of the present, and unless you look for it in the present you will never find it." Thomas Merton

For quite some years I have delved into the writings and life of Thomas Merton. He is fascinating to me. I am amazed with his bold words, yet conscientious care when addressing political, societal, and spiritual topics. One social topic he address quite eloquently is the idea and practice of solitude. I relate deeply to the conviction that solitude is of great value and should be sought out and time should be allotted for it. As I enter into my ninth year living in the redwood forest, I have found much clarity and connection to God in solitude. There are definitely some levels of disconnect to other people, but I am awed by the richness I find alone. You see, I believe I am never alone. God is with me. In a crowded world of noise, and people bustling about it can be hard to be in solitude. For some it is hard to imagine being alone for merely hours. A day alone seems maddening. Close your eyes and imagine a place where the slightest crack of a branch miles away sounds like it snapped next to your ear. Envision yourself resting your head against the fuzzy bark of a gigantic redwood, the damp laden soil seeps warmth from the forest floor, seemingly breathing. This is my solitude. This is my home. Let yourself be alone. Find time for solitude. Whether you sit shivering in a subway station waiting for the redline and close your eyes and imagine the sun warming your your wind chapped skin, or you get away into nature, solitude will deafen the noise and lessen the crowded world. I hear God in the silence of solitude. I believe am never alone. Solitude is a priceless necessity. 

"God loves you, darling!" Arthur Miller's thoughts...

being married to Marilyn Monroe.

As Miller stood watching his wife sleep:
I found myself imagining... what if she were to wake and I were able to look her in the eyes and say, "God loves you, darling!" and what if she were able to believe it? How I wish I still had my religion and she hers.

Monroe was battling depression when Miller thought about God's love for her and for him. Who knows when or how they lost their religion. She slept with the aid of tranquilizers, yet the world new her for her vibrant smile and captivating eyes. The frailty of our humanity is so often hidden until we are gone. Our secret battles, the shadows of our person, the mysteries we leave in our closets, the skeletons, the us which makes us real. Our genuine smiles and moments of joy are real because of the things left unspoken or shared. why? there is no shame in hurt, depression, grief, loneliness, anxiety, yet we often carry these burdens into the night without aid of others. If we are to believe God loves us, then we must open up our full self without fear that our burdens are too much for others to share in. We are the human touch of God's love to each other. We should never see ourselves as switches on a wall that can be turned on and off as we choose when and where to care. When we opt for that means in which to care we are only filling our own need to care and we are missing out on being the unconditional human form of God's love. Time and the excuse of too busy, is often a selfish unspoken excuse of too sad and too much. In order for us to live God's true love we need  to live without excuse. We must accept and embrace that we need each other even more in the darkness. It makes the light that much fuller and real.

dad of daughters

everyday i wake up and desire to be a better dad. i know every dad is an individual man, but i think there are some ways we can love our children similarly and have a good impact on their lives. being a camp director it is easy to weigh out how i am doing as a dad and decide i am a "good" dad (whatever that means). recently my wife sent me a link to a list of ways to be a better dad to your daughter (or daughters in my case). it was challenging, encouraging, and brought tears. i recommend checking it out.

http://lifetoheryears.com/50rules

i find myself more and more needing to take deep breathes and step away so that my "awe-tears" (as i like to call them) do not stop my daughters from doing what they are doing. i am swept away by their unique, individual ways of navigating through their days. they are beautiful. i need to tell them everyday. they are brilliant. i need to remind them. my wife is breath-taking. i need to swoop her up and kiss her more often. i am a pretty good guy, and i want my daughters to know that they are fully deserving of a person who will love them with unrelenting love, and honor them. i do not care if i am a "good" dad compared to others. all that matters is that my daughters know that i am a good dad, and a great man.

the road

there is something mystical about driving on a road
in the early hours of morning.
it gives freedom to drift into dreams awake and wonder.
alert is heightened with awareness of unknowing
what lies beyond the beams from your headlights.
i find myself vividly aware of past, present, and future.
it is restful for me to drive.
it is exciting to anticipate.
it is good for the soul
to hit the road.
it is good for the heart
to return home.

Something in common with John Adams

"As much as I converse with sages and heroes, 

they have very little of my love and admiration. 

I long for rural and domestic scene, 

for the warbling of birds 

and the prattling of my children." 

-John Adams

teach me.

"Show me your ways, O Lord,
teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

Remember, O Lord, your great mercy
and love,
for they are from of old.

Remember not the sins of my youth
and my rebellious ways;
according to your love remember me,
for you are good, O Lord."


Psalm 25: 4-7





what will i be remembered for? when i graduated from high school my greatest fear was being forgotten. as i forged my way down gumdrop lane (my life was free of trials back then), i was wide-eyed ambitious to share God's love with anyone. somehow his mercy got lost in translation and my ambition turned to arrogance. my heart became judgmental and i swerved off the lane and into my own path. still clinging to my Christian title for identity and social meter, i lost sight of the truth of God. what will i be remembered for?

today i live in one of the most majestic places on earth. the giant redwood forest surrounds my home. i can be sinking my feet in the sand and letting the whitewash of waves lap on my feet in less than forty five minutes. everywhere i look i can see God's artistry. twenty years has passed since i graduated from high school and the gumdrop lane is more of a jagged trail with turnabouts every fifty feet. i know the sting of judgement and the loss of friendships and family due to my pretentious religious youth. what will i be remembered for?

teach me. please God, continue to make me more like you. as the morning sun peeks through the fog and branches outside my living room window, i am warmed. i am reminded that God has never forgotten me. God is good. through all the many failures and triumphs years past have brought, i have hope. what will i be remembered for?

i never stopped learning.

God, teach me.

continue on.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."
Isaiah 43: 1-2

running

i run within the forest density

towering redwoods surround me

bay leaves cover the winding trail

ferns fan as i pass

leaping fallen branches

swerving around roots

navigating every step

widening my stride

picking up my pace

heart pounding

sweat sliding down my brow

the nature around me is deafened 

by the sound of my heartbeat

pushing further into the deep

the sandstone slips away underfoot

scurrying to hold ground

i scamper up the steep incline

dirt gives way

needles crack with branches

the forest envelopes me

i am lost in nature

running.

look up.

the bay leaves are floating

swaying to and fro

aloft in the breeze.

the oak worms are dangling

swinging from strings

invisible to the eye.

the canopy webs are glistening

casting rainbows from dew

left from morning.

the trees are growing moss

covering their trunks green

autumn rain remembered.

I am a Liberal, Nonviolent (most of the time).

"It often requires more courage to dare to do right than to fear to do wrong."  -Abraham Lincoln


Just days ago we learned that President Obama had issued 100 troops to assist in removing Joseph Kony and put an end to the LRA. The verbiage has been pieced apart and the words released from Invisible Children representatives have been criticized, but the fact is, something needs to happen.

I fully understand that 100 advisory troops  can mean the green berea of the US Army if the US is staying on par with past initial global military involvement. I fully understand that there is likely to be lives lost, but there is also great potential of freedom gained. The fact of the matter is that there have been plenty of peaceful attempts to reconcile and bring Joseph Kony into custody, but they have not succeeded.

My father was amongst some of the early advisory troops sent to Vietnam. As a communication operator of the Green Berea 101 Airborne division he served to bring freedom and followed the orders of his country. He was someone's child, my mother's husband, and taxes paid for our countries involvement, but more than all of that he was a man. He desired all people to be free. A lot of American people cowered away or chose to be consumed with their opinions of our countries involvement and allowed fear to paralyze them from bringing any change. For many people that time is a blur. But my dad had courage and served his country. He desired to do the right thing and help bring freedom.

Everyday there is an opportunity to do something for others. We live in a time where information is so accessible. I am going to dare to do the right thing and have courage. As a graduate in Social Science/Alternative History, including courses in African history and history of terrorism, I fully support the necessary step to send 100 advisory troops to Uganda. I believe all other options have been attempted. Knowing the hearts of some of those who work for Invisible Children, I am proud of their labor and courage.

I am still liberal and nonviolent. I am a man who desires all people to be free. One might say, "the apple does not fall far from the tree."

i am the oldest child

i am the first born

i am a storm

i am a breeze

i am the calm

i ask questions first

i am curious

i am cautious

i am the compass

i face change first

i am scared

i am confident

i am the conquer 

i accept myself first

i am growing

i am changing

i am the caterpillar

i am the oldest child.