BRIGHT down jackets

the best way to stay warm is to spend time with people who fill you with warmth from the inside.

some mornings we get to just be together and the chill of the day never penetrates.

a down jacket of bright colors helps the outside element, but the simple touch and sweet smile of my best friend always takes the chill off.

we really do like each other. all our quirks end up making us a match. like Phoebe on Friends would say, "she's your lobster!" that she is. she is my perfect match.

Cliffs of Big Sur

i spend hours meditating by the ocean. i go away to the rugged cliffs of Big Sur. the waves thrash against the rocks with a seemingly angry slap.

in one instance there seems to be a fight between fluid and solid. i know this fight well. i am steady but currents run constant within me. my soul shouts at the waves to slap me into reality. the real me.

in another instance the water settles and lulls against the ragged shore. as if to pull a blanket up over the chilled, cold, weathered friend. i too know this blanket. i have experienced a lot in this life. some things within me show through in the weathered lines and callused sleepless stare.

i spend hours meditating by the ocean. i go away to the rugged cliffs of Big Sur. the water smothers the shivering stone with a seemingly effortless comfort.

there are places

i like to think that there are places that only my eyes have captured. places that are treasures in my chest. places that will keep my heart beating when i am weary and time becomes my enemy. i take people on walks through the redwoods when they come to visit me. i take them places i have been before. i keep new places for me to discover alone. they are treasures for me yet to find. i am not keeping them from others i am merely looking for them first. i cannot put into words how these places move me, but the beat of my heart changes when my eyes look upon them and i am changed. my bounty is increased and my heart responds to the gift of new sites. i like to think that there are places like this for everyone.

Unschooling: living, learning, loving it!

This is a re-blog from something I wrote on October 3, 2008 to help family and friends better understand our choice to unschool. Even though this was written over 3 years ago and our daughters are now 13, 11, and 7 the sentiments are the same and our children are thriving, thinking, teaching, trusting, discovering, unschooling humans. I hope you enjoy and learn a little more about the way we learn.


"how is it going with home schooling?" was asked by a woman to a group of moms that were standing around waiting. my wife was in the mix and as always listened, observed, and then once it seemed to be the right time, shared her thoughts. just to clarify for all who read this. we do not "home school" we practice "unschooling". the two are very different in philosophy and practice. under the umbrella of home schooling, the parent is the teacher. whereas, with unschooling life is the teacher and the parents are facilitating what life their children are exposed too and observe their discovery of self and learning. when my wife shared with me the social interaction with the other women, she encouraged me to blog my thought about our children's discovery of learning through life. 


if you have ever had the privilege of being around my daughters for a spell you know that each of them is extraordinary in their own beautiful way. my oldest daughter just turned 10. she is our morning girl. every morning she wakes up and finds whatever book she is reading and dives in to a world of new discoveries. some of you may be thinking this seems normal, but just a couple years ago her desire to read was squelched with frustration by the demands of a charter school instructor and the mark the state of california places as a standard where a child of 8 should be. because our daughter was forced to be like other children and fit a general standard, she found her love for books and discovery by this means drained and invested in physical learning through dance and gymnastics instead. it broke my heart to watch a child who has such a brilliance for imagining other worlds be stifled in her process of learning by a bogus standard that is racial, gender, and socio-economically bias to begin with. so when i see her cozy on our couch in the wee hours of morning, reading beneath the morning light of soft golden hues, i am amazed. she found her way. she learned how to read. not because she must, but because she wants to. i love learning. sometimes i wonder what i would have learned if people stopped telling me what to learn and just let the childlike instinct to discover lead me to find my way. do not get me wrong, my wife and i choose to be there and help with the process, but our girls absorb life richly and we do our best to let life be their teacher. amongst many christian home schooling circles unschooling is considered liberal, left field, and completely outside the realm of "christian" structured upbringing. i do not spin in those circles. i am too busy living in god's incredible creation, and yes it is liberal by definition. i think it would be wise for those who have strong views on unschooling to stop and watch and see what they might discovery from life. who knows, they just might learn a little and be liberated. anyone can think what they want about the educational route we have decided to take for our children, as long as they are thinking and not conforming. all i know is that  my 1st daughter is a discovering watercolors, ballet, and reading about Nellie Bly in the morning. our 2nd daughter is playing the drums, discovering her body motion through tumbling, and exploring the use of pastels as a medium. the 3rd daughter is on the verge of 4 and loves verbal conversations, dialogues about the happenings of her day, loves taking care of her "meow" cat, and is exceptional at drawing people. they are extraordinary. truly they are. i am biased and i should be. i am learning a lot from them. i am learning a lot from life. i guess you could say, i am unschooling.

The Bare Necessities

Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
Old Mother Nature's recipes
That brings the bare necessities of life

Wherever I wander, wherever I roam
I couldn't be fonder of my big home
The bees are buzzin' in the tree
To make some honey just for me
When you look under the rocks and plants
And take a glance at the fancy ants
Then maybe try a few

The bare necessities of life will come to you
They'll come to you!

Look for the bare necessities
The simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities 
That's why a bear can rest at ease
With just the bare necessities of life

Now when you pick a pawpaw
Or a prickly pear
And you prick a raw paw
Next time beware
Don't pick the prickly pear by the paw
When you pick a pear
Try to use the claw
But you don't need to use the claw
When you pick a pear of the big pawpaw
Have I given you a clue ?

The bare necessities of life will come to you
They'll come to you!

So just try and relax, yeah cool it
Fall apart in my backyard
'Cause let me tell you something little britches
If you act like that bee acts, uh uh
You're working too hard

And don't spend your time lookin' around
For something you want that can't be found
When you find out you can live without it
And go along not thinkin' about it
I'll tell you something true

The bare necessities of life will come to you.

I just finished watching the movie The Jungle Book with my family. This song has always made me smile. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of the little things that mean so much.

thinking about the next

"If you read history you will find that the Christians who did most for the present world were precisely those who thought most of the next. It is since Christians have largely ceased to think of the other world that they have become so ineffective in this." -CS Lewis

this quote challenges me every time i read it. i think about how i am living my life. where am i putting my energy? who am i investing in? how will i be remembered? i have called myself a Christian for a lot of years now and i know my flesh and consumption with this present world has caused me to be ineffective at times. i want this world to be different. i want it to know love because i live in it. when i think of the next world i think of a place where there is true love. i want people to wonder about the next world because there is something different about how i live in this world. today my mind has been filled with thinking about the next world and now i am wondering what i have done to change this one. i am still thinking about it, but hopeful for the outcome. there are too many inspirational lives that have gone to the next world before me. at this point i will never cease thinking about the next world.

I met a girl named Darleen

She is vibrantly alive.

She is courageous. 

She is curious.

She laughs with a wide mouth open.

She grins with teeth showing.

She has a spark in her eyes even when they are closed.

She thinks about today and lives in it.

She met me in the forest.

She embraced me by the ocean.

She danced around the firelight.

She ran along the stoney beach shore.

She walked barefoot through tall grass.

She caught me in her glance.

She invited me to play.

She spoke words into my heart.

She is always with me.

She is there when I look for constellations on starry nights.

She is a legend.

She is alive.

I met Orion.

really live

we have a choice how we live.
we can sit back and live a life that accommodates the majority.
we can apologize when we are not really sorry
to appease the passive aggressive blame.
we can choose to really live or live half dead.

that's the reality.
when we live for others and not by the conviction that we live for god,
we are not really alive.
we are not fully being the person we were intended to be.
we are allowing the perception of others and their opinions to shape our lives.
we are giving up our true self for a cheap plastic replication.

but it is a choice.
you can choose to be really alive.
you can choose to set aside the expectations others have for you and live you.
you can choose to peel off the layers of false perceptions and throw them away.
you can choose to be free.

how to really live?
it is simple.
it is hard.
it takes practice.
it is worth it.

i live a life that is fully real, fully alive, and fully me. i wish this for everyone. i dream of a place where everyone i know is really alive. when we do not choose to really live we effect the lives around us. i have vibrant life in front of me everyday. i want my children to embrace themselves without any pressure or expectation from me. why would i want them to have any less than a full life? i watch my wife choose to really live everyday. it does not mean her everyday is easy, it means she is fully herself. i lived half my life trying to accommodate expectations and i failed more often than succeeded. i was miserably half dead. as i  really live, i love the circle of people who celebrate really living with me. it is few but full. when i face the confusion of being misunderstood, i remember who i am by remembering those who fully see me really alive. i hope we all can really live, fully ourselves.

things left unsaid...

"Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid." -Fyodor Dostoevsky






this quote is so honest, raw, revealing, and true. it has my thoughts spinning. the words are coming. happiness will follow. what can i say?

it takes courage

"it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."-e.e. cummings

my wife just posted this quote to her blog today. it was just what i needed to read after a couple days of standing up and being me amongst those it is the hardest to be accepted and seen by. the family i grew up in is far from leave it to beaver or the waltons. we don't even come close to the brady bunch when it comes to really, truly working out our differences. i am thankful that my parent's marriage remains intact. that is a rare blessing, but the adult me is often misunderstood and left lonely. conflict is just a normal undertone deafened by the expectation of "just get along for a meal." i can't do it. i have never been the type of person to live a life less than my convictions. ironically it is how my parents raised me to be.

adultery, affair, separation, brokenness, divorce. i hate everything about these words. in theory, and reality they hurt others. i don't know what it looks like to "be like jesus" when family members choose selfishly to abandon their commitment to their family (spouse and children) and have sex with someone else. i know that there is a lot that leads up to the decision to cheat. i hear about that all the time when i pose any opposing view or that i am not ready to accept, or " be jesus" to family. i don't even know where to begin with how sad, and angry i am that people believe the brokenness of their spouse warrants their choice to break their marriage vows. it saddens me even more that family members let themselves reach some sort of acceptance by justifying the affair through a process of dissecting the abandoned spouse, and writing them off as in-law when papers are filed and all is finished.

i do not understand what kind of person lets themselves be "the other" and chooses to be in an affair with someone married and in addition a parent. how hurting and selfish does someone have to be to take on the role of "the other". it reminds me of a school musical audition. you run to the list posted on the hallway cork board to see if you got the leading role. in this case you are not even the understudy who ambushes the lead so that you get to take the stage. you did not even show up for auditions. you were not meant to be in the script. you are not even a character in the story. you just step on stage when one of the leads was in wardrobe, and there was no shepherd hook to pull you off stage. i wish i was the shepherd's hook and you never made it to scene two.

i have a lot of wishes. i have prayed a lot of prayers. i have cried a lot of tears. my heart is still tender. i don't know what it looks like to be like jesus in the mess of it all. i know god knows me and accept that i don't know what to do or how to move forward with family. i love my wife, my children, my parents, my siblings, and all my "in-loves." it is going to take time for me to know how to love those who just walked onto the stage. i can apologize  for not knowing how to behave but i will not apologize for "being who i really am."

my wife just posted this quote to her blog today, "it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." and that is what i am doing.

sounds are silence...

for me.

i sit in nature and hear the silence all around me. people come to visit where i live and mention how quiet it is in the forest. i hear the popping branches of widow makers releasing from their mother trunk, squirrels chatter while scurrying round and round, finch chirp in delight as they gather morning seeds from night time breeze, crunching leaves announce slipping hooves from new deer trails in the making. i hear how quiet it is where i live.

i am sitting in a local mountain coffee shop and i hear the silence all around me. people come in and out of the side screen door. slinging door slams, damp soles squeak across tiled floor, steam wand whistles while milk warms, business chatter continues through fifteen minute break, heavy wooden chair clunks against table as patron attempts to exit unnoticed, keys clang from pocket, humans scurry around cream and sugar counter, words which we call manners are tossed between, hand shuffling in purse for cash, pop-snap of espresso tap creates a subtle beat while the grinder hums a monotonous tone. sounds are silence for me when i sit alone.

Veteran Dad

Tommy Douglas Dexel

SEEING MICHAEL: looking for unseen

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

solitude in a crowded world.

"Solitude is not something you must hope for in the future. Rather it is a deepening of the present, and unless you look for it in the present you will never find it." Thomas Merton

For quite some years I have delved into the writings and life of Thomas Merton. He is fascinating to me. I am amazed with his bold words, yet conscientious care when addressing political, societal, and spiritual topics. One social topic he address quite eloquently is the idea and practice of solitude. I relate deeply to the conviction that solitude is of great value and should be sought out and time should be allotted for it. As I enter into my ninth year living in the redwood forest, I have found much clarity and connection to God in solitude. There are definitely some levels of disconnect to other people, but I am awed by the richness I find alone. You see, I believe I am never alone. God is with me. In a crowded world of noise, and people bustling about it can be hard to be in solitude. For some it is hard to imagine being alone for merely hours. A day alone seems maddening. Close your eyes and imagine a place where the slightest crack of a branch miles away sounds like it snapped next to your ear. Envision yourself resting your head against the fuzzy bark of a gigantic redwood, the damp laden soil seeps warmth from the forest floor, seemingly breathing. This is my solitude. This is my home. Let yourself be alone. Find time for solitude. Whether you sit shivering in a subway station waiting for the redline and close your eyes and imagine the sun warming your your wind chapped skin, or you get away into nature, solitude will deafen the noise and lessen the crowded world. I hear God in the silence of solitude. I believe am never alone. Solitude is a priceless necessity. 

"God loves you, darling!" Arthur Miller's thoughts...

being married to Marilyn Monroe.

As Miller stood watching his wife sleep:
I found myself imagining... what if she were to wake and I were able to look her in the eyes and say, "God loves you, darling!" and what if she were able to believe it? How I wish I still had my religion and she hers.

Monroe was battling depression when Miller thought about God's love for her and for him. Who knows when or how they lost their religion. She slept with the aid of tranquilizers, yet the world new her for her vibrant smile and captivating eyes. The frailty of our humanity is so often hidden until we are gone. Our secret battles, the shadows of our person, the mysteries we leave in our closets, the skeletons, the us which makes us real. Our genuine smiles and moments of joy are real because of the things left unspoken or shared. why? there is no shame in hurt, depression, grief, loneliness, anxiety, yet we often carry these burdens into the night without aid of others. If we are to believe God loves us, then we must open up our full self without fear that our burdens are too much for others to share in. We are the human touch of God's love to each other. We should never see ourselves as switches on a wall that can be turned on and off as we choose when and where to care. When we opt for that means in which to care we are only filling our own need to care and we are missing out on being the unconditional human form of God's love. Time and the excuse of too busy, is often a selfish unspoken excuse of too sad and too much. In order for us to live God's true love we need  to live without excuse. We must accept and embrace that we need each other even more in the darkness. It makes the light that much fuller and real.

dad of daughters

everyday i wake up and desire to be a better dad. i know every dad is an individual man, but i think there are some ways we can love our children similarly and have a good impact on their lives. being a camp director it is easy to weigh out how i am doing as a dad and decide i am a "good" dad (whatever that means). recently my wife sent me a link to a list of ways to be a better dad to your daughter (or daughters in my case). it was challenging, encouraging, and brought tears. i recommend checking it out.

http://lifetoheryears.com/50rules

i find myself more and more needing to take deep breathes and step away so that my "awe-tears" (as i like to call them) do not stop my daughters from doing what they are doing. i am swept away by their unique, individual ways of navigating through their days. they are beautiful. i need to tell them everyday. they are brilliant. i need to remind them. my wife is breath-taking. i need to swoop her up and kiss her more often. i am a pretty good guy, and i want my daughters to know that they are fully deserving of a person who will love them with unrelenting love, and honor them. i do not care if i am a "good" dad compared to others. all that matters is that my daughters know that i am a good dad, and a great man.