freedom, spontaneity and love

" Every moment and every event of every man's life on earth plants something in his soul. For just as the wind carries thousands of winged seeds, so each moment brings with it germs of spiritual vitality that come to rest imperceptibly in the minds and wills of men. Most of these unnumbered seeds perish and are lost, because men are not prepared to receive them: for such seeds as these cannot spring up anywhere except in the good soil of freedom, spontaneity and love."-Thomas Merton

Freedom, spontaneity and love are so great in of themselves, it is hard for me to fathom them spiritually fertile to receive seeds to grow. Merton's words make me wonder which seeds have been perished or lost because I was burdened with guilt, consumed with the regiment of schedule, and wallowing in loneliness? Too many I regret to confess. But in my recognition I grow.

once upon a time...

once upon a time there lived a family of five.
there was a dad. there was a mom. there were three daughters. they lived amongst the towering redwoods. their mornings were spent welcoming the rays of sunshine that danced upon their hardwood floors. they spent the afternoons treading through leaves, swinging from branches, and adding to the forest sounds. squawking jays, chattering squirrels, buzzing dragonflies, distant crumpling leaves from deer hooves, and the addition of laughter from the family of five filled the afternoon air. in the evening as the sun set and the glomming filled the space between branches, the family would settle themselves in for stories, games, and more laughter to carry into the night air. as all the friends of the forest find their place to rest and the night flyers take off for their festivities, the family of five remain connected until the snoring ensues of the littlest one, the light switch is turned off and the glow stars illuminate the middle ones bedroom, and the eldest daughter finds her way to snuggle beneath her down comforter, alive in a world between pages of a book. the mom holds her sticks and like a conductor instructs great music, she weaves a beautiful art of yarn into magical webs of beauty. the dad sits awake with wonder of the days ahead and stares out the window and listens to the silence of night. crickets, frogs, owls, and the occasional coyote cry are his night companions. at dawn the day will welcome them again and they will greet the light and each other, connected. the end.
until once upon a time again.

solo

alone

without another

silent

water drip

sink sounds

heard

by one

not another

alone.

absent

not found

excuse

without explanation

wandering

observant

present

without finding

absent.

awake

without sleep

dream

no resolve

stirring

wanting night

dawn too soon

not rested

awake.

solo

alone

absent

awake

solo.

ocean thirteen

it is strange for me to think about being a dad of a teenager. not that i am nervous or think it will be so challenging, but rather i am fully aware that my ocean is becoming a woman. the way she carries herself, the words she chooses to speak, the thoughts she toils with, the posture in which she sits, her steady glances, and far away stares, are all her own. she is becoming ocean. i have always loved observing her, and as she turns thirteen, i am in full awe of her person. what she chooses to do with the person she is will continue to unfold one petal at a time. i love her openness, curiosity, and inquiries. i feel so fortunate and blessed that she chooses to share what she is thinking and desires clarity as she grows and becomes complexly herself. fearfully and wonderfully made.

make a wish.

do your remember the last time you made a wish?

i can remember blowing out the candles with my eyes shut.

"keep it a secret or it won't come true."

i can't remember a single wish from birthdays.

i can remember starry nights, gazing up, waiting for a shooting star.

in seconds a star strips across the night sky and seemingly vanishes.

"wow, did you see that? make a wish!"

i always wondered what the other person wished for and forgot to make one.

i can remember dandelion weeds flourishing in the sidewalk cracks of my front yard.

delicate, opalescent, strands attached to seeds waved as if to invite me.

picking the stem carefully to not break the pom of strands.

lifting the dandelion to my lips, i would blow.

watching the seeds in flight, i would make a wide-eyed wish.

i remember wishing to feel the way i felt when i blew the seeds away.

i can't remember a lot of my wishes, but i remember.

i remember what it felt like to effortlessly send the dandelion seeds soaring.

i felt at peace. i felt capable of much. i felt present. i felt magical. i felt alive.

i still make wishes. i still forget most of them.

i still feel the way i felt when i blew the seeds away.

my dandelion wish came true.

make a wish. 

Reapply your lipstick.

after every meal there is a sweet banter exchanged between my parents. my mother pulls out her compact and lipstick. my dad makes some remark or questions the need to apply more. my mom in her flirtatious ton responds, "oh, stop it!" my dad let's out a hearty chuckle, extends his arm, and says, "ah honey, you're beautiful." it is a sweet exchange that has happened after every meal as long as i can remember, but i finally realized how special their love is. it is truly sincere and full. i had the best lunch with them recently. as they interrupted each other and finished the other's story, i sat back, sipped my iced tea, and grinned with great pleasure. they know each other so well. they could have quit a long time ago, but they didn't. so many of their friends did. their generation made it trendy to move on from one marriage to another, but they are elite. my parents are really good people. they have their quirks, but that's what makes us all people. they make choices everyday, and those choices impact the world. the effortless, simple reapplication of lipstick, and the arm extended affection changed the day, and mattered to me. it is good to see my parents as people, it makes me feel more human.

anticipation

it is 1:50am and my family gets home today. they have been gone for quite sometime. i cannot wait to hear about all of their adventures. the house has been cleaned. there was a lot i hoped to do while my family was gone, but i lost the mental list in the first week. honestly, i have just been treading water, waiting for them to return. my hopes are quite high for our reunion. i am anticipating a lot of long hugs, endless stories by ocean, just want to be near me from elli, and  i'm all about dad phoenix. i anticipate an adjusting for sarah and i. we are quite independent and it takes us a little bit of time to find our groove, but we always do. they will be coming off of their time away and gearing up for steadiness at home, while i am full flares out on the runway, crash and burning, needing some rest. summer into fall, with so many transitions, and expectations, i find myself completely tapped. i want to be full for family, friends, and work, but the truth is, i need a mental break. something i love about having my family near is that i do not have to put on a ministry face for them, i just naturally smile when they are around. it's going to be so good to see them soon. boy, have i missed them.

Finding Adam

it's strange to be a person that is found when people need to disappear. recently my friend adam reflected on his brief time spent with me in the redwoods (looseluggage.com). i am not some hermit hiding somewhere, or a suddenly appearing genie, i am just an ordinary guy. there are few people who really get me, or get to me for that matter. so, when i get to be with one of them for a spell, it is magical. i find i am mesmerized by how extraordinary human beings are. the life adam chooses to live, exploring the world capturing the raw and intimacy of human behavior, allows him to live full. when he is tapped or needing an escape, he often finds the no cell service, low wifi, simple, backyard firelight, conversation with a friend in the redwoods to be the perfect remedy. i sit in a rare space with a handful of humans. they have decided or it is divine appointment that i am an ingredient to their "disappearing." they do not come to the forest to get lost, but rather to be found. we all want somebody to be looking for us. i guess that is what i value most, looking for others when everyone else seems to settle for what they see. finding adam wasn't difficult, he was right in front of me.

missing

there is something good about missing someone, something, someplace. as the sunset and the moon rose over the fog banked monterey bay, and the last glooming shone it's final gold sky stirring, i missed my family. even though i can think of a dozen songs that talk about sharing the same sky, moon, and stars with distant lovers, it cannot calm the deep sigh of my missing heart. they are so much of me, and i am so much of them. we are the moon shared. i never would want to be the sun and them the moon. so separated and distant, never united, never connected. they are the rabbit, and i am the mochi being made in the moon. they are little boy blue, and i am the man in the moon. they are the face and i am the cow jumping over the moon. we are ever connected by a bond that miles cannot divide. i am missing them. i am not all of me with out all of them. i am missing.