chalkboard door

we had to primer the door first and then put two coats of the chalkboard paint on. it took awhile to dry, the paint peeled around the door knob, and few drops hit the floor, but it was ALL WORTH IT! this time it was good to get my name on the board.

i knit sometimes to unwind

it takes me a long time.

i am by no means an expert.

it is not so much about the art i love.

i love that it connects me to my love.

she may get frustrated at times

but even in that i smile.

it takes me a really long time

but she is really patient.

and funny when she is not.

i only knit in the round.

i make cowls.

i like variegated yarn.

chunky malibrigo is my favorite.

this cowl is a gift.

joseph had a coat of many colors.

orion will have a cowl.

they both have amazing dreams.

it is good to unwind sometimes

so i knit.

the way we are

always!

always best friends 

i love the way we are. there is no one in this world i would want to share my life more with then my best friend. when i see a site to share, she is the person i want to share it with. when the night chill creeps beneath the door, she is who i want to warm me. when i want to laugh a full-belly, hearty laugh, it is her wit that i seek. when waves of sorrow and unanswered pain brims over and my chin quivers, she is the embrace i desire. when i imagine what kind of person i hope my children will emulate, she is the first person who comes to mind. we can sit for hours without words, but the silence is filled with the truest love. our life is simple. we do not have much by the world's standards, but we are prosperous and blessed with a life full of love. i would not trade a million experiences or dollars for one sweet smirk moment from my wife. in that moment i know she just found me funny and that is kinda rare. i love the way we are.

all you need to grow

a seed

a drop

a ray of sun

let the seed find itself surrounded by warm damp soil. as water finds it's way into the core it will change from the inside out and begin to grow roots and reveal itself. busting through the surface extending itself heavenward. the sun will meet the sprout and it will grow. time is all you need to grow. give yourself time.

who am i?

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, from his cell in Berlin.

Who Am I?

"Who am I? They often tell me

I would step from my cells' confinement

calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-horse.

Who am I? They often tell me

I would talk to my warders

freely and friendly and clearly,

as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I would bear the days of misfortune

equably, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I know of myself,

restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

struggling for breath, as though hands were

compressing my throat,

hungry for colours, for flowers, for the voice of birds,

thirsty for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,

trembling with anger at despotisms and

petty humiliation,

caught up in expectations of great events,

powerlessly grieving for friends at an infinite distance,

weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

faint, and ready to lay farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions

of mine.

Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine."

Throughout life and experiences and expectations, I have found myself tumbling like a weed tossed across Interstate 80 just outside Elko. Who I am and the weight of expectations spoken and left silent meshed together with my own self doubt and insecurities and disillusionment and loss, have left me often feeling lifeless and dried up, with nothing valuable for self or others. Whatever my life has been, I belong to my creator. I am His. I am His child. That is who I am.

responsibilty

"the secret of man is the secret of his responsibility."

-Vaclav Havel

four and a half years

a labor camp existence

one letter at a time

vaclav reveals to olga

his love

his responsibility

the berlin wall crumbles

rallies in wenceslas square, prague

a man takes the stage

roars, cheers, energy erupts

vaclav speaks

spoke truth with conviction

took responsibility

the free czech republic

a playwright

a writer

a husband

lover to his wife olga

held hands with change

secret revealed

responsibility others 

i wake up...

"I wake up each morning determined to both change the world and have a great time-sometimes that makes it difficult to plan my day."                   E.B. White

                                                        

my favorite time of day

there is a time of day

when all sounds cease

and give way to the hour

stillness permeates throughout

a warm glow penetrates 

every millimeter of sky a glow

golden dust showered upon earth

connecting heaven to soil

tree to sky

man to god

it is called

the gloaming. 

caveman eating

i must be nuts!

once i finish this last loaf of sourdough

i am venturing into a paleo style of eating

one may ask why i would ever do such a thing

i simply want to try an extreme eating style

 i want to see how my body is effected

i know many of the foods offered today 

are not the best for human bodies

many of the additives, preservatives,  and refinements 

allow more food to be pushed out at high quantity but low quality

why do we accept this as okay for our bodies and minds

in a world that tells us to consume, consume, and CONSUME more

i am choosing to consume better for my body

everyday it seems i am hearing of someone else battling cancer

if i can choose to live a healthier life for others why wouldn't i

honestly, when someone is battling cancer or another disease

it is pain aching, heart wrenching, and life sucking for loved ones

i am not going to use the excuse that "it just taste so good!" anymore

life is so good and i want to relish in the present and preserve the future

i will be eating all kinds of meat

fruits and vegetables 

some nuts

and did i mention ALL kinds of meat

(if this is the list of what i will eat, just think of the length of the list of what i won't eat)

i am committing to do this for one month

after may eighteenth 

i will decide what i will eat.

BRING ON THE MEAT!

surrounded

the first woman i loved

april 15, 1944

donell kay dexel

forth of seven children

a reverend's daughter

glee club member

year book editor

nickname "cricket"

smoked while her husband was off at war

drove a vw bug

eyes big as deer

hair robin brown

cheek bones round as crab apples

wears a green most do not dare to

loves to wear hats

bubble baths with her bible

more stubborn than a mule

cares beyond reason

raised four children which i am the youngest

loves me truly

misunderstands me often

wants more time than i offer

roses are fine but an orchid is preferred

she turns 67 today

an orchid and an afternoon

for the first woman i loved

the art in me

there is something that moves me

i don't  have words to describe

it's not an emotion, or a rhythmic change

my hands don't get clammy, and i don't feel faint

there is a rush of urgency 

i must create the art in me

i use to think you could lose it

it would make me grieve and search for it

my artificial attempts were in vain

the hunger and wide-eyed lust subsided 

it seemed absent from within me

i cannot create the art in me

it did not get an invitation

my life was packed with expectations

deadlines and agendas cascaded my time

suddenly i halted in exhaustion 

sleepless stirrings filled with late hour wonder

new longings for soul oxygen

questions that only i could answer

is that yearning the art in me

suddenly without notice i was searching

i responded to the emergency call 

urgently seeking to find resolve

my hands shaking and legs collapsing

tears filled with doubtful request

pleading, begging, wining like a spoiled child

give me the art in me

silence for days haunted my nights

burdened rocks weighed heavy on my soul

gone, nothing, no answer

wishful thinking confirmed

interrupted melancholy grumblings
a sweet sound of familiar voices

"dad, can you help me paint?"

discovering the art in them

the art in me

be a child

play

barefoot

smile

be a child.

faithful

not me

you

i am faithless

you remain faithful

you are my faith

you help me believe in you

faithful

slippery rock

over a hundred years ago

people discovered a magical place

an opening between dense forest

where wild flowers bloom

sand stone slides down slopes

sun warms the earth 

moss grows between soil and stone

deer graze unadulterated by man

sifting through trees the gap appears

man named,

"slippery rock"

just two days ago

my family and i came upon a magical place

an opening between dense forest

where wild flowers bloom

sand stone slides down slopes

sun warms the earth 

moss grows between soil and stone

deer graze unadulterated by man

sifting through trees the gap appears

man named,

"slippery rock"

moments ago

i recaptured a magical place

my daughters scurried up sand stone

imagination more real than reality

laying against slopes my back was warmed

deer share their space with us

together my wife and i stare at nature

alive in us

our children named it,

"home"

be brave

the corn grows over six feet tall

i am small amongst the dense rows

labyrinth paths wined their way

be brave

fog billows from the ocean neighbor

cliffs buffer their approach

steading my step i move forward

be brave

crows dart into the sky

startled by my presence

my arms spread wide to symbol kindred

be brave

cool air sifts through

shivers spread head to toe

big strides for open space

be brave

i stand 4 feet tall

the corn does not scare me

the fog is my blanket

the crows my compass

i am phoenix

brave

where i walk

 trees bow 

branches wave

leafs shake

where i walk

ferns shelter

acacias bloom

nettles flourish

where i walk

birds sing

squirrels chatter

slugs survive

where i walk

humans hush

creatures speak

forests live

where i walk