schol-ar-ship (skol-er-ship)

-noun 

a sum of money or other aid granted to a student, because of merit, need, etc., to pursue his or her studies.

i once received a full ride academic scholarship to a college in portland, oregon. i did not even ask for it. i was awarded it while attending a summer camp in the sierra foothills near fresno, california. it made college less stressful for my parents and i. it was nice not having to ask. it felt good to be recognized for my hard work.

i award scholarships these days. not for notable accomplishments, but for need. the humble request of parents and foster agencies is enough for me to say yes. sometimes it does not even take asking. there are children that cross my path that i know were placed there for me to notice and invite. 

it is not hard for me to say yes. i remember how it felt to be awarded a scholarship. to be invited to attend without burden or strain. i do not say no to anyone in need. i like to think it is a noble quality of my character. some may say i am "soft", but it is honorable to grant opportunity when it is in your power to do so.

"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, 

when it is in your power to do it." Proverb 3:27

revisiting merton

"...I live in the woods out of necessity. I get out of bed in the middle of the night because it is imperative that I hear the silence of the night, alone, and, with my face on the floor, say psalms, alone, in the silence of the night.
...the silence of the forest is my bride and the sweet dark warmth of the whole world is my love and out of the heart of that dark warmth comes the secret that is heard only in silence, but it is the root of all the secrets that are whispered by all the lovers in their beds all over the world."-Thomas Merton

he found me in a small bookshop on hawthorne and we have communed in the late hours ever since. he is my kindred of a life lived before. we share the forest. it is out of necessity.

grace

as a young boy i would spend at least one weekend a month at my grandparents home in santa rosa, california. my grandfather was a reverend and my grandmother was an example of jesus. above the piano in the breeze way between the kitchen and dining room this painting hung. as a young boy i always thought that it was my grandfather. it is titled, "grace." i grew up praying for every meal and thanking god for his provision. now in my adult life i see the rich value in the ritual of "saying grace" before a meal. i am thankful for the images that can shape our practices. in a time when so many people seem to be giving up on the simple teaching's of jesus and shaping their beliefs around their own opinion and authority, i find myself sitting, elbows on the table, hands clasped, head bowed, praying for my daily bread. simple grace.

born of the forest

it was the warming of summer. the occasional lingering rain would fall. lush green redwood needles popped in the sunlight. the stillness of the pond lured people to pause their day and reflect. newts awaited their young to hatch. afternoon breeze chilled the earth in the shadows of the mighty redwood trunks.

in the midst of summer anticipation a young mother-to-be contemplates the birth on her horizon. a babe to meet, to embrace, to nurture, to grow, to accept, to love. so much fills her mind when she thinks of her baby. the weight of motherhood seems light when caught in a distant stare. a glimmer in her eyes and a smirk  suddenly appears. her unknown thoughts sweetly revealed. the undying awe and wonder of being called, mom spreads from head to toe and she is radiant. her steady heart and compassion for others will be a part of you. hold them dear and let them be some of your truest attributes.

across the way a young man steadily works to wrap up any open projects. so much to be done. the unknowing of your arrival consumes his paused moments. always thinking of you, he cannot help but smile, he is caught of guard from an upwelling of joy. his loyalty and love for his bride is apparent to all. he still cannot believe she is his wife. your mother is captivating and hold his heart. there is some nervousness to becoming a father, but it is overshadowed by his excitement. his consistent pursuit for God and acceptance of others will be part of you. he will be more than your father, he will be your friend. trust in your friendship because he will always be loyal and faithful to the end.

in the waiting of your arrival i have an idea of who you will be. you will love with a steady heart of  compassion, and acceptance, and you will pursue God with an unrelenting desire. the parents you will be meeting are exceptional humans. they will carry you through so much of life. through lifting you up, you will show them more attributes of your creator then they could ever imagine. you will be a friend. you will become whatever God has made you for. i think of you often and i watch your parents. they are deeply in love with you. when you arrive i will cry tears of joy. i will be the silver beard guy who whispers how much your parents love you in your ear. i will stare in awe at you and a tear may escape. i pray for you daily.

you will be born of the forest and you will always have a family of the forest. you are loved.

created to remember

remember to create

when i sit still

i can perceive my lungs.
i can recognize the softest sounds.
i can reside into the forest floor.
i can halt my thoughts.
i can attend to God.
i can glean from him.
i can discern clearer.
i can burgeon
when i sit still.

barefoot

there is something amazing about going barefoot

whether rock, soil, sand, or grass 

there is a connection.

widened toes, rocking heel, planted arches, connected.

barefoot brings a rush of peace 

with an urge to move.

leap from rock.

roll toes into warm soil.

bury full foot in hot sand.

lay bed of foot down over vibrant grass.

we wrap our feet with shoes.

when we take off our foot covering

the dogs are released and howl.

go barefoot and breathe.

when i sleep

it is a strange experience when i sleep.

not when i wrestle with blankets and my eyes are shut,

but when my breath slows and i slumber.

i dream vivid dreams.

it is rare for me to sleep deep.

there are always reasons to stay awake.

the ticking of a clock can halt my peace.

a silent pond can raise my head.

if my rest goes unshaken i escape.

there are places i have never been,

lands i have only seen with eyes shut.

i am alive in my dreams.

when i sleep, i am awake.

life is real, all my senses are active.

if i were a child my dreams would fill my day.

it is said that children dream 80% more than adults.

when i sleep, i dream 100% of the time.

maybe it is when i am awake that i need to remember to dream?

last week

i got away.

what do i want?

i want to live.                                                                            i want to die.
i want to laugh.                                                                         i want to cry.
i want to learn.                                                                          i want to teach.
i want to listen.                                                                          i want to speak.
i want to like.                                                                             i want to decide.
i want to leap.                                                                            i want to fall.
i want to look.                                                                            i want to see.
i want to love.                                                                            i want to embrace.

i want a chance to experience life, dying to self, laughing out loud, crying for others, learning anew, teaching my heart, listening through traffic, speaking for the silent, liking what is me, deciding to be, leaping with risk, falling with grace, looking for God, seeing clearly, loving all, embracing my life, fully. that is what i want.

snoring

bodies strewn across the open meeting hall floor.
sleeping restlessly amongst each other.
family, friends, strangers, together.
mattresses sound with every move.
little brother cannot sleep.
big brother cares. they get a drink.
a cough. a whisper. silence. dad begins snoring.
door creaks. i am the chaperone. i am the host.
gurgling? giggles. whispers. snoring. LOUD snoring!
it is going to be a long night. more snoring. giggles.
the cycle continues. i am smiling. really long night ahead.

go to the corner

and create.

a tree and an eagle

we came from different states, different towns, different families, different friends, different. we were strangers on our own roads leading home. when our lives came together it happened so naturally. not complicated or challenging, simply fit. the skeptics were muffled out by our understanding of true love. words not spoken because there is not a language that can translate the connection of souls meant for eternity. no wish, prayer, or wonder came true, answered, or clarified. we were forever. we are forever each others unknown dandelion blown wish, distant land casted prayer, lonely room wonder. i learn each day to love life simply and walk with roots in the soil and rivers flowing through me. my wife is a tree firmly planted. her generational love for god, passed down from the nurturing touch of her father and the sturdiness of her mother allows her to hold fast to truth and allows her spirit to be made new through the river washing. i am an eagle. it is my heritage. i soar even when the world is far below me and the weather is unknown ahead. i perch alone, cautious, tattered, buffeted by life, but fully alive. together we are magnificent. my father gave me the hope to soar even when the storms sit out at sea waiting to engulf life. my mother extended her tender hand to hold when i did not know how to say i need your hand. i am thankful for what our parents have given to us, so that we might be steadfast in our love. she caught my eye one wednesday night in january 1995 and i have been caught up in life with her ever since. a soul intertwined for eternity is not difficult to find. it finds you. i believe we would have been found together without sight, words, or sound. the holy spirit does not have those bounds. we walk in the spirit. walk free. i am completely captured by god and fully embrace his spirit in me. my wife revels in his power. if you observe her, you can see it in her determined gaze, seemingly looking beyond this earth. a gaze to heaven. 
we are both walking home. whether the road home is long or short we are walking it together. we have been blessed with sight and touch in this life. eyes to show us what we might have missed, a hands to hold when we do not ask, and a soul to spur us on in spirit. we are everlasting lovers. a tree and an eagle. rooted, soaring, renewed, together. 

common posture

upward gaze, listening.

wonder surrounds me

i live in a place where awe and wonder surrounds me

wherever i walk there is something that captures my eye

a leaf floating aloft, settling on the pond

the ripple the leaf creates, sends the frogs into song

overhead a branch cracks, pulling my glance upward

between branches, a chasm of blue sky is dashed with a crow flying by

upon the forest floor ferns grow woven within the redwood trunks

steading my stair at the warm, soft, laden path a newt surprises my view

brilliant blobs of mustard yellow move slowly on their one foot

ranging from an inch to twelve the banana slugs pop off the the brown beneath them

deeper within the forest crevices are surrounded by kaleidoscope webs

safe from human interruption spiders spend time spinning webs of brilliant design

as my eyes take in the awe of nature, i wonder

is it my longing to know my creator that draws me to see, 

or is it my creators longing for me to know, 

that nature is revealed to me?

lighthouse tower

i have learned a lot in my life from the many people who have been written into my story. the significance of my father was unknown to me until my adult years. i am a reflection of him in so many ways. he is steady in his faith and relies on god through all seasons. he does not change for status or reputation. he is consistently present, steadfast, and loyal. he seeks to serve and help the downtrodden. when i was young i was unsure how to know him. it seemed i was wired like my mother, and they are complete opposites. as the years have passed and i have found myself, there i see my father. he is a good person. he is a true friend. i see him as a lighthouse tower. sometimes when i am overwhelmed on the road, or swamped with work expectations and deadlines, i call my dad. he can tell that my silence on the line equals tears, and he waits. moments later he asks, "is everything going okay?" it is not his advise i seek as much as it is his voice. his calm, steady voice is like a beacon of light.  i know that whatever i am facing i can find safe harbor. in another life i imagine myself a sailor. just as the forest entangles around me, i can imagine the waters engulfing me and my soul finding home at sea. even though some may think my dad and i should be on a ship together, i would argue, i need him to remain on shore, calm and steady as my lighthouse tower. i find so much of him in me, we are never too far a part.

"shooting for a boy?"

it was always a strange question
maybe because i know the world i live in
a dad of three daughters
lends way to magic

there is a whimsical world
where imagination abounds
not a location to be found
but people who let everyone
play


they always welcome me
i am sometimes a king
i am sometimes a prince
i am sometimes a friend
and other times a foe

they enter the world unaware
it is almost never absent
they do not need me to be in it
sometimes i catch them there alone
and let them be whoever they are

it is the world they love
it is the world i wish we always lived
it is always a strange question
in my daughter's world it does not matter

that is the world i live in
when the question is asked
i smile and sometimes say
"wow, i do not know what that means"
and i skip away

7:30am

the sun has not moved it's way
over the ridge and down into the valley
morning chill lingers an hour longer
as i walk down the drive to work
the old oaks and ancient redwoods
entangle themselves above my head
as if they are greeting one another,
saying cheerfully "good morning."
the constant rush of the creek
sounds it's rhythmic flow to my right
suddenly i stop in my stride
warm liquid splashes from my mug
dang it, traffic!
fortunately, the newt was not hit
squawking jay announces, "move on!"
the day is fully awake
and i have not even turned right
at the redwood heading into my office
it's only 7:30am.

bending

it is rare that i see it
i run that way often
today i needed to see it

i wanted to know i was near
my runs have been harder
i wish i did not feel my knee
aching from injury
slow recovery

i ran today
it was not a long run
as i came around the turn
there it was

my stride widened
my speed increased
my body toughened

bending
twisting
waiting
announcing
you are near

home

nehemiah new

it took a lot of people to rebuild

it was not easy

some thought it would never happen

the odds were against them

but

God was with them

nehemiah was obedient

piece by piece

the walls were built

different parts

different people

some built

others protected

nehemiah prayed

so much can happen

it can seem like forever

knees callused 

dreams judged

"wishful thinking"

but

God is with me

i do not always understand why

there is no reason for him to use me

i am just a guy

i am  idealistic

i am a daydreamer 

i am a crier

my chin quivers sometimes

i would rather sit in the presence
 of a hundred children

listening to their stories

then dine with the president

nehemiah obeyed God

it took time but change happened

i have learned a lot from him

it has taken time but change is happening

the place i love with passion

is being rebuilt

it takes a lot of people

and prayer

favorite places

when i was a camper i caught a fish in this pond. every year i anticipate the pleasure it brings me. there is a lot of laughter and memories surrounding my time spent at the pond. i was even dared to swim to the back dock in a red speedo. you may be asking yourself, "did he do it?" let's just say, i am really daring, and leave it at that. one of my favorite places on earth is tucked back in the farther end of the pond. in spring a mallard couple tends to their eggs and ducklings. deer stop to take an afternoon sip. the bugs go crazy back there. the mosquitos are unrelenting in mid-july. in the vibrance of murky green, lush redwood canopies, and nature fully in motion, i find total peace and serenity. it is the perfect place to sit in rich conversation with a kindred, or meditate alone with God. it is a favorite place and always will be. 

my 3 beautifuls

ocean
photo by: sara janessen

ellibella         

phoenix