who am i?

Dietrich Bonhoeffer, from his cell in Berlin.

Who Am I?

"Who am I? They often tell me

I would step from my cells' confinement

calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-horse.

Who am I? They often tell me

I would talk to my warders

freely and friendly and clearly,

as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I would bear the days of misfortune

equably, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of?

Or am I only what I know of myself,

restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

struggling for breath, as though hands were

compressing my throat,

hungry for colours, for flowers, for the voice of birds,

thirsty for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,

trembling with anger at despotisms and

petty humiliation,

caught up in expectations of great events,

powerlessly grieving for friends at an infinite distance,

weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,

faint, and ready to lay farewell to it all?

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions

of mine.

Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine."

Throughout life and experiences and expectations, I have found myself tumbling like a weed tossed across Interstate 80 just outside Elko. Who I am and the weight of expectations spoken and left silent meshed together with my own self doubt and insecurities and disillusionment and loss, have left me often feeling lifeless and dried up, with nothing valuable for self or others. Whatever my life has been, I belong to my creator. I am His. I am His child. That is who I am.