it takes courage

"it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."-e.e. cummings

my wife just posted this quote to her blog today. it was just what i needed to read after a couple days of standing up and being me amongst those it is the hardest to be accepted and seen by. the family i grew up in is far from leave it to beaver or the waltons. we don't even come close to the brady bunch when it comes to really, truly working out our differences. i am thankful that my parent's marriage remains intact. that is a rare blessing, but the adult me is often misunderstood and left lonely. conflict is just a normal undertone deafened by the expectation of "just get along for a meal." i can't do it. i have never been the type of person to live a life less than my convictions. ironically it is how my parents raised me to be.

adultery, affair, separation, brokenness, divorce. i hate everything about these words. in theory, and reality they hurt others. i don't know what it looks like to "be like jesus" when family members choose selfishly to abandon their commitment to their family (spouse and children) and have sex with someone else. i know that there is a lot that leads up to the decision to cheat. i hear about that all the time when i pose any opposing view or that i am not ready to accept, or " be jesus" to family. i don't even know where to begin with how sad, and angry i am that people believe the brokenness of their spouse warrants their choice to break their marriage vows. it saddens me even more that family members let themselves reach some sort of acceptance by justifying the affair through a process of dissecting the abandoned spouse, and writing them off as in-law when papers are filed and all is finished.

i do not understand what kind of person lets themselves be "the other" and chooses to be in an affair with someone married and in addition a parent. how hurting and selfish does someone have to be to take on the role of "the other". it reminds me of a school musical audition. you run to the list posted on the hallway cork board to see if you got the leading role. in this case you are not even the understudy who ambushes the lead so that you get to take the stage. you did not even show up for auditions. you were not meant to be in the script. you are not even a character in the story. you just step on stage when one of the leads was in wardrobe, and there was no shepherd hook to pull you off stage. i wish i was the shepherd's hook and you never made it to scene two.

i have a lot of wishes. i have prayed a lot of prayers. i have cried a lot of tears. my heart is still tender. i don't know what it looks like to be like jesus in the mess of it all. i know god knows me and accept that i don't know what to do or how to move forward with family. i love my wife, my children, my parents, my siblings, and all my "in-loves." it is going to take time for me to know how to love those who just walked onto the stage. i can apologize  for not knowing how to behave but i will not apologize for "being who i really am."

my wife just posted this quote to her blog today, "it takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." and that is what i am doing.