REMIX: linger in whispers and lullabies

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2009

"linger in whispers and lullabies...

sometimes i think back to where i have been, the people i have met, the events that have shaped me. it is strange how tragedy can shout so loud, yet the sweetest, most lasting events linger in whispers and lullabies. in a world that screams hurt, hate, and hopelessness, i have found comfort, compassion, and comrades. this week has been mixed with memories of pain but in the mix there have been these nectar-kisses from life. i laughed after crying from the reality of my friends terminal illness drawing his life to a close because my youngest described the color of her strawberry and lettuce barf while driving home from ballet class. "pink, but with lettuce. are you okay with me talking about it, dad?" i laughed. i am learning so much about the frail beauty of each moment and the temporal sting of death. my friend is hopeful for heaven. he is excited to get there, but more excited for the day when his wife, daughter, and all his friends will join him. i am learning about pain. it is really good to feel. i often feel like my senses are on overload as i take in life with every new experience. i really love talking with my friend about hope. he speaks with his eyes. his glasses connect to a laser that tells a screen what he is saying and then it speaks to me. some would be frustrated by the lulls in communication or the limitation, but he is thankful to be able to still communicate. i am just blessed to sit for a spell and enjoy the warm autumn sun with a friend. we actually laugh a lot together. he told me he envied me. i am still processing that, but one thing that has been happening as a result of my time with him on tuesdays is that i am smiling more. i cry in the shower almost everyday. i cannot tell if it is the sensation of water pouring over me or the safety of curtain drawn. no matter, i am feeling fully. my friend can sip water with help of another. i asked if it hurts. he told me it is more refreshing now than it ever was before. i took a sip of water and as i swallowed i felt it flow down and quench my body. my soul is being quenched in each moment. alive i am thirsty. i drink up humanity. feeble, frail, strong, and sturdy. refreshed by lingering whispers and lullabies. creating new ones."

I wrote the above entry over 2 years ago and my dear friend continue to battle ALS (Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis "Lou Gehrig's disease"). We have become even closer as the years go by. His daughter just turned eighteen and is graduating form high school in June. Big events lie ahead, but there will always be big events ahead. Today was a "big event" for Mike and I. Simply time together is a big event. He is less able to use his eyes to speak, but we manage to sit together and still laugh, cry, talk of time passing, and the important things in life. He has asked me to officiate his memorial service. I am honored and feel overwhelmed with the thought. We really do not know how long we have to live. He thought he would have gone home by now, but he remains. We sat laughing about mixed up letters and what some of his words might translate to in other languages. He has a brilliant smile and a lot of spark in his eyes. We always end our conversations talking about family. It is so important to him. I do not fully know how to experience life with my extended family at this point. How do you say, "I love you the same way I did when I use to cry for us to get along, but I want to be loved back, because I need to know I am wanted" without letting my whole heart be revealed and tenderized by the reality mallet that has so often harmed me?" Mike didn't have a clear answer, he just smiled and invited my whole family over for a visit. I am really going to miss him when he is gone. I smile less these days, but I still cry in the shower everyday. It is not that life has become more tragic, but rather I am saddened by what it has become in regards to family. Mike reminds me of how precious life is and how valuable each day is. I just wish there was a way for my family to see my heart without me losing my life. I lost my life once and it took a lot of healing to live again. Mike reminds me that the most lasting events linger in whispers and lullabies. I need to remember all that Mike reminds me of in all that life offers. A lot of people are surprised when they hear that I am still spending time with Mike. He is still alive and I am grateful for one more visit.