i believe everyone should be able to enter the man-made place where people choose to gather to enter into the presence of god. the place we call church. i often find that i have trouble being in the presence of god with the masses who gather on sundays to be with him for 55 minutes (give or take). some sundays it is the chairs, pews, aisles, amps, instruments, power point images, vibrating speaker, swaying screen from air conditioning left on, and other sundays it is the people. i try. i try to be in check. i try to dress it up or down, simply stay off the radar of criticism, banter, and awkward humor (to make god only knows who feel more comfortable), but i seemingly fail. i find i fit best in the forest. truly god's creation is my safest sanctuary. i use the word safest because i know that i can be at rest in the forest without fear of flying arrows from careless tongues. i saw this man outside church and thought immediately, "FASHION ICON!" and then i wondered, why is he outside during the service? what is he waiting for? teal hoodie, aqua pants, black velcro sneakers, silver bearded man, waiting for what? i find at church, i am waiting every week for something. i am waiting to just belong. beyond endearment and token acceptance, i am waiting to just feel respected. i want to feel energized rather than exhausted. i remember how rich it was to gather barefoot in the presence of god with believers in another land. i remember pastor lolo challenging us to step freely into the sacred space of god's presence and worship him freely, together. together was the key component. accepting one another, together. i try. i will keep on trying. someday i know that i will be barefoot in the presence of god and i will know i belong. every sunday we really are just like a bunch of circus bears trying to balance on balls. i have learned to laugh at my attempts. i will always long for what i believe we can be as gathered believers in god's presence. maybe next sunday. fingers-crossed.
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